This week, my son and I have been working on re-landscaping our front yard. We ripped out old rock beds and weeds, and restored our deck back to its original glory. This has been no small feat, but the results have been miraculous. The deck had not been stained in more than 4 years, it was quite weathered and worn. As we were powerwashing, cleaning, and sanding the deck in preparation for the stain, I got to thinking that I feel a lot like this deck. The last two years have left me weathered and worn out.

The last time I posted anything COVID had only been around for a few months. However, the world was already feeling the divisiveness that it ushered in. The pandemic was a far bigger concern to a parent of children with chronic health conditions than it was for the general population. It really changed the landscape of our lives. Some of the changes were wonderful. I went back to college full time to pursue a dream I had carried with me for over a decade. Unfortunately, some changes were heart wrenching and left me with immense grief. I know I am not alone in this, but it has been a very lonely period in my life.

On October 17th, 2021 our family was blindsided by a medical crisis that brought us to our knees. Our 14 year old daughter who has chronic lung issues went in for a routine lung biopsy on October 13th. We were told it would be one or two days in the hospital. Instead, each day her respiratory support needs increased until she went into full respiratory arrest. I am not sure I ever realized how much my own ability to breathe was affected by my children’s ability to breathe until the moment she stopped breathing. The air was sucked from my lungs as well, and nine months later I feel like I am just starting to catch my breath.

We could not have been in a better place at that moment. The ECMO team was right down the hall taking another child off ECMO at the exact minute she suddenly needed it. They went to work on her and literally saved her life. She is here today thanks to a God who hears our prayers and the hands that he had prepared to step in when she needed them.

The next 50 days were the longest of our lives. She needed a procedure that only Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia could provide, so once she was stable enough we made the trek out there so she could have a life changing procedure. Today her lungs are in better shape than the day she walked into the hospital for the lung biospy. Her overall recovery though has been slow. She is still regaining strength and needs to rest a LOT!

I have found that trying to find normal again has been extremely difficult. I desperately do not want our life to be defined by the trauma we have experienced in the last 9 months, but the truth is that it changed us. Even though she is alive and in the next room, I feel like my heart is full of grief that I do not know what to do with. Going through this experience during COVID made an unimaginable situation a THOUSAND times worse. Due to visitor restrictions we were forced to walk through it alone, with the exception of a couple faithful friends that would come with supplies and hugs once a week. The family was called in to say goodbye and were able to visit her (and us) until they thought she may actually have a chance of survival and then it was like no way, keep all of your germs away!!! We hugged more moms and dads of other children in the PICU than we did our children at home. It was so hard for us to be away from our kids and family and equally as hard for them not to be able to see us. I came home only three times in 50 days. We saw the decorations in the hospital change from Halloween to Thanksgiving to Christmas, and Valentines day before we were really home for an extended amount of time. The faces of the doctors, nurses and CSAs at Childrens became like family to us. We looked forward to the day when we could finally be home but even that was stressful as she had so many machines and medical needs that exhaustion was a constant companion. It was hard to think about what came next. Now I feel like we are living in the “then what” stage. What comes next? How do we just get back to normal? Will we ever feel “normal” again or will I always feel a little broken?

The hardest thing for me now is that when I crave normal, I go all the way back to what normal was before 2020 (our friends, our church, our life before this big weight took up residence in my heart). Like the layers of deck that we had to wash, strip and sand away to get to the beautiful wood underneath, to find anything that resembles life as we knew it I may have to endure a lot of sanding. That is neither pleasant nor possible. We cannot really have our pre-pandemic, pre-ECMO lives back. But I pray that as the layers of pain and trauma get stripped away, God will reveal a new normal for the new people we have become over the last two years. Restoration may look more like revival than replication. I just know I am ready!

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” 1 Peter 5:10

Have you ever felt like the “least of these”?  Until recently, I would have said, “No.”  Increasingly over the last couple of months, however, I have started to identify with this phrase.

It saddens me the way the COVID pandemic has polarized our country, homes and even our churches.  Social media platforms have given everyone a voice and from where I am standing, that has not always been a good thing.  Many of the ugliest posts have come from some of the most righteous people I know.  Divisive words, bitter comments, and demeaning memes are all too common.  What has gotten into us????  What happened to using our words to build up others????

There are so many things to disagree about right now: COVID is dangerous and real or COVID is all hype, shelter at home or open the economy, mask or no mask, open churches or keep them closed.  Everyone seems to have an opinion and many are frantically using their phones to proclaim them to the world.

Here is the problem as I see it. Our words hold weight in other’s hearts!  Our words matter, they send a message.  I believe that it is important to be thoughtful with the messages we put out there.  Sadly, some of our messages may be causing serious damage to our relationships and even to our witness as Christians.  People tend to feel a freedom to say anything on Facebook, but would you say the same things if you were looking me in the eyes?

The issue that has left me feeling like the “least of these” is the mask or no mask debate, particularly as it relates to the church.  No masks at Target or Home Depot does not affect me the way it does at the church.  The Church is historically the one who stands up to protect the most vulnerable (the least of these) among us.  Not so much in this current situation.  Now, it is easy to find something on the internet that will validate whichever side of the mask divide your opinion falls.  At the very core though, does your  OPINION really matter?  Should the greater good have anything to do with our choices?

The friends I see on Facebook (especially my church friends) refusing to wear a mask are (without realizing it I am sure) sending the message that we – the vulnerable do not matter.  Those who say masks dehumanize people are really dehumanizing ME and MY family.  Leaving the responsibility to protect the vulnerable TO the vulnerable is absolutely antithetical to the Christian worldview.

If wearing a mask for an hour at church meant that MORE people, people like our family, would come to church….would it not be worth it?  The vulnerable and sick need and want Jesus too.  Do they not deserve to enter the presence of God and worship as a community also?  Isn’t it the Christians that are supposed to be putting others above themselves?

These are the messages that my heart has heard:

I do not matter, my family does not matter.

We are the vulnerable, and we are on our own.

The vulnerable are not as important, they have less value in the community of God.

We are not worthy of other people’s sacrifice.

No one cares that I am unable to be a part of my church family and I am not/will not be missed.

We don’t need to get into the debate of whether masks are effective.  I have more “ologists” than I have fingers (cardiologist, endocrinologist, pulmonologist, neurologist, etc.) telling me that we should wear masks to protect each other.  Organizations that have previously been trusted and respected, like the CDC, and leading scientists say that universal use of masks, when social distancing is not possible, IS helpful to keeping each other safe.  Our doctors have a good track record of keeping my kids alive, so, I tend to put more trust in their medical advice than the YouTube videos by obscure doctors who may have a hidden agenda.  Furthermore, for every politician/doctor like Scott Jensen in Carver County, you have an entire medical system like the Mayo Clinic contradicting his advice.  Mayo Clinic is a premier medical facility respected throughout the world.  I am not quick to turn a deaf ear to their professional medical advice.  I have been navigating the medical world for a LONG time now.

Church, please hear this.  WE are supposed to be the light of the world.  WE are supposed to, in humility, value others above ourselves.  WE are called to be the good Samaritans, to cross the road, to go out of our way, and to care for the hurting and injured among us.  As part of the vulnerable in MY community, this is not the message I have recieved. I’ve felt marginalized and irrelevant to many of those who were supposed to be my friends.  I feel like I am watching you look the other way as you walk past (without a mask, on your way to church).  That makes me feel that because we are vulnerable, we are somehow less important.  That YOU deserve to be able to go to church without a mask so I should stay home.  After all, you are not sick, you should not have to change the way you live for those who are.  That doesn’t feel like being the church to me, at least not any church I want to be a part of.

While I know that the messages my heart is recieving are likely not the intended purpose of the words I have read, that is the truth that has settled into my soul.  I have a hard time processing and thinking about the someday, when this is all a memory, standing together in a church worshipping with the people who made me feel less than and unwanted.  Isolating the vulnerable does exactly that….isolates us.  Instead, couldn’t we look for solutions that would be perceived as loving to even the vulnerable?  I would like to know that I matter enough to someone that they would put on a mask if it meant that I would participate in an activity.  I think we could have done better. We should do better.

At the end of the day, we didn’t choose to be vulnerable.  That choice was made for us.  The rest of the world though, has a choice.  What you do with that choice speaks volumes to the vulnerable population – for sure to this one!

My heart will heal, and I hope that someday it will forget the way this time has left me feeling alienated instead of loved, expendable rather than valued and truly part of the least of these.

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'”  Matthew 25:40

What are YOU doing for the least of these among you right now?  Are your messages building people up or tearing them down?  Are you building community or walls with the people in your sphere of influence?

 

On January 12th, 2010 a 7.0 earthquake shook the nation of Haiti.  The epicenter was the town of  Leogane, 25 miles west of the nation’s capitol.  Living in the United States, I never felt the ground rumble, I couldn’t hear the screams of fear or the buildings crumbling to the ground.  While my physical body felt no vibrations, my heart was ROCKED!  My daughter, Rose, was still in Haiti when the ground roared to life that day.  I felt paralyzed with fear not knowing how her orphanage had survived the quake or the conditions of our friends that had been inside.

Thankfully, all of our loved ones were safe and protected, but not everyone was as blessed.  It is estimated that at least 250,000 people lost their lives that day or in the days that followed.  80-90% of the buildings in Leogane were critically damaged or destroyed.  Life as they knew it came to a complete stop.

In the weeks that followed, our church family kicked in to gear to raise money to send supplies like tents, medicine and even members of our congregation to help the people of Haiti.  I had shirts printed up that said “Hope Cannot be Shaken.”  I feel the need to pull those shirts out again now.

Fast forward ten years and we are experiencing a different type of seismic event.  Our ground is not physically shifting but our way of life definitely is!   The COVID-19 virus that is spreading across our world is leaving so much destruction in its wake.  People are losing their lives, restaurants, bars and stores are closed, people are unable to work, kids are not allowed to go to school.  Our way of life has been ROCKED!  It is easy to feel that heart gripping fear want to take root yet again.  That t-shirt’s message is just as relevant today.  HOPE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

“Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him.  Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” Psalm 62:1-2.

Life looks a lot different right now, but God is the same God he has always been.   He was not surprised by what is happening in the world.  I take great comfort in that thought.  While God does not cause things like earthquakes or pandemics, he does allow them.  If he allows them, then I believe that there is a purpose that he desires to accomplish.  Could it be this time of shaking is a way of sifting the wheat from the chaff in regards to the priorities and focus in our world.

In my life, the things I have found to be shaken are my need for productivity and accomplishment.  I am a very driven person, and I am rarely still.  My to do list is laughable most days but I push myself to cross off each thing.  This pandemic has significantly shortened my daily to do list.  We are not setting our alarm clocks most mornings, we are cooking all of our meals at home and eating together every night.  Our extended family is meeting through FaceTime to play Bingo and have Wii bowling tournaments.  Our focus has been shaken, in a good way.  The things that matter are shining through the chaos of our current circumstances and that is a gift!  We cannot find our hope in the things of this world.

We can choose what we feel.  A couple of months ago, a pastor said that if we make a choice our emotions will follow.  We can choose HOPE while our ground is shifting beneath us.  We can chose to use this time to reconnect with the things that really matter around us.  Our walls might appear to be crumbing and the toilet paper aisle is all but empty but our hearts can be full!  Our families can thrive and our relationships can be strengthened even while social distancing!  Let all that is shaken reveal what really matters.

Haiti did eventually move on with life, though it never did look exactly like it did on January 11th, 2010 again.  Some of the differences were good and others were not.  Our lives WILL move on again as well.  I believe that our new normal will also be different than it was a couple of months ago.  There may be negative effects for sure, but it is my hope that our (my) new normal will continue with the stripped back focus after all the less important parts have been shaken away.

I know the magnitude of the situation is different for each of us.  Those losing their jobs, those battling the actual virus and those who will sadly lose loved ones to it will feel a  greater seismic impact than others.  All we can do is pray for each other and do our part to lessen the aftershocks for those around us.  YOU can shine HOPE to those shaking around you.

 

 

What a strange world we find ourselves living in right now.  Never before in my life time have I seen anything like this.  While it’s a little scary, I will admit that the introvert in me is loving this forced time out!

This last weekend my husband had a ministry trip scheduled in California.  As most of you familiar with this blog know, we have vulnerable, at risk children.  For this reason, I had serious reservations about his participation at this event.  I strongly offered my opinion about his travel plans and let him know that IF he chose to go, there would be a mandatory 14 day quarantine in the basement when he returned home.  He thanked me for my advice, packed his bags and caught a plane to California 🙂

Let me take a minute here to say that I LOVE my husband.  I love his passion and zeal for the Lord and His people.  His heart is the biggest and most giving I have ever known and I fully support his ministry and job.  This “time out” that he is now experiencing is not about punishment in anyway.  It is about protection.

Before he got home I set up our basement with everything that he would be needing.  As I was laying out clothes, blowing up the air mattress and shopping for the paper plates and utensils I would be serving him with, I was overcome by sadness.  I would have thought that anger would have been my predominate emotion, but that was not the case.  His choice caused a physical separation in our relationship and I was mourning the loss of being able to be close to my very best friend.

God gives us guidance and advice about how we should be living our lives.  We have the bible, we have our pastors and spiritual teachers who help us discern what is right and wrong.  God really does give these directives for our good and our protection.  When we make decisions to go against his directives for our lives and sin, this causes separation from God.

“But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you.”  Isaiah 59:2.

Is it possible that God mourns the separation that results from our sin more than he feels angry?  We were created with the sole purpose of intimacy with God, he longs for that closeness and connection with us.  When we do something that separates us from him, does he feel the physical pain that I felt preparing a physical space for my husband away from myself?

I had never viewed the consequence of my sin in this way before.  It literally hurt my heart.  I will never view sin the same again.

My husband is currently on day 3 of his 14 day quarantine.  Let me tell you, this is torture for me.  We have a great marriage and enjoy spending most of our time together.  I find myself sitting on the stairway (ensuring at least 6 feet distance between us) for hours each day.  I just want to be as close to him as I can be.

As I was sitting on the stairs today, I  asked him, “Do you think this is what God does? Even as we are separated from him due to our sin, does he get as close to us as he can just to be near us?”  I think he does.  I think that is the nature of God.  He is Immanuel “God with us.”  Now the distance between us………that is up to us.

Currently, we are all on a little “Holy Time Out.”  May I suggest that you to take this time to meet with God.  Read your bible, listen to worship music if you are feeling fearful right now.  He may be sitting on the steps waiting, trying to be as near to you as he possibly can be.

 

Today is Halloween.  Tonight, a parade of characters will ring my doorbell with some sort of collection device waiting for their treat.  I will admit, since my kids have gotten older, this holiday is not really as important to me.  I do, however, enjoy seeing the  different costumes and happy, expectant faces as I hand out candy.

Even though Halloween has long since lost it’s magic for me, I can remember the excitement of putting on a costume and stepping out into the world.  A Princess…. A Super Hero…. An animal….the possibilities are endless.  Halloween is the one night every year we all get to be something that we are not.  We get to hide behind masks, wear a costume over our clothes and maybe even get to carry a sword or other accessory to complete the ensemble.

It occurred to me today that dressing up does not (should not, in fact) happen only one night a year.  I realized that I actually put on a costume EVERY SINGLE DAY!  This “costume” allows ME be something that I am not.  It does not just allow me to PRETEND I have more power and strength, it GIVES me power, strength and even PEACE!  Believe it or not, in a way, you can even SEE the costume that I wear.

Ephesians 6:10-18

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.”

I felt this armor in a very real way not too long ago.  I was unpacking from another long hospital stay with my daughter.  I got her settled in her room, unpacked all the bags, started laundry, got the house back in order after my absence and then went to take a shower to wash the hospital off of me.  While I was standing in the shower, suddenly I felt myself just fall apart.  I let the reality of the last several days wash over me and the armor dropped to the ground, almost taking me with it.   The long sleepless nights,  watching my daughter suffer, making polite conversation with nurses and doctors while I was feeling less than cordial at times, and the feeling of being a prisoner to our circumstances…..it was all TOO much!  The weight was more than I could bear at that moment and I felt like my body wanted to just sit down.  This season has felt like an actual battle and has left me battered and tired.  You see, this is who I really am when I am not wearing the armor of God.

I let myself have a good cry.  Then I stood and suited up again.

I buckled the belt of truth around my waist – I am not alone.  I do not have to do this in my own power.  There are MANY times when I do not feel strong enough to get up and face the things my day is going to throw at me.  The TRUTH is that I do not have to be.

I slipped on the breastplate of righteousness – A breastplate protects the most important parts of your body, like your heart.  My heart has felt very under fire in the battles we have been walking through.  It is hard to live a totally righteous life when flaming arrows are coming your way.  There will be times I am going to mess up.  This breastplate helps protect my heart from the enemy’s attack and helps me live out my faith.

My feet were fitted with readiness that comes from the gospel of PEACE – Peace can be found even while there is a war waging around us.  Isaiah 26:3 “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”  I make a point of looking beyond the battle and straight at Jesus.  This gives my heart the peace and confidence I need to keep fighting.

I picked up my shield of faith – I am not sure how people get through this life without faith.  My faith in God and what I know about his character (he is good, he is trustworthy, he IS working all things together for my good) is the ONLY thing that gets me through each day.  I may not be able to see how this war ends or how many more battles we have left to fight before it is over BUT I do know the one who is fighting for me.  I will hold that knowledge up against each and every arrow that comes my way.

I placed the helmet of salvation back on my head – Helmets protect our head and mind.  The enemy LOVES to attack our thought life.  If you are saved, then you have the ability to take all thoughts captive to Christ.  Focus your mind on the saving grace of Jesus and you will win the war over your mind.

Finally, I picked up the sword of the spirit – The rest of the armor is about protection or defense.   The sword (the word of God) is about OFFENSE!!!  It is the best weapon!  “For the word of God is alive and active.  Sharper than any double edged sword…” Hebrews 4:12.  Are you battling fear, there is a verse for that.  Are you looking for hope, there is a verse for that.  God’s word has slayed more giants in my life than any other weapon I have tried.  USE IT!

You may not see the helmet that I am wearing as I check out at the grocery store, my breastplate my not be visible under this winter coat that I am wearing today and my shoes look quite normal for my outfit BUT if you see me walking around today with a smile on my face handing all that life throws at me, then you really are seeing the armor of God.   Without the armor I might still be in bed hiding from the world.

So, tonight, dress up like a pirate, super hero, an angel or even Patrick Mahomes (sorry, I had to) but tomorrow……  Tomorrow put on a costume that will actually give you power, strength and Peace.

 

 

 

As I was scrolling Facebook this week, I had an experience I’ve never had before.  I was looking at pictures a friend had posted, this friend also has a child who spends a considerable amount of time at Children’s Hospital.  In these pictures my attention was drawn beyond my friend and her gorgeous baby to the tile in the hallway, the patches of purple tile against the welcoming walls of the Children’s Hospital same day surgery wing.   It is hard to describe the visceral reaction in my soul caused by these images.  It was like being pounded by waves of deep grief and anxiety .  I KNOW those tiles, I KNOW those walls.  They have housed some of longest, loneliest, most terrifying days for us.  Even now thinking of it the tears threaten to fall.

I have joked that I have PTSD from all the emergencies, procedures and hospitalizations we have dealt with in the last several years, but sadly there is some truth to that statement.  We have felt like prisoners of those walls so many times.  The strangest part though was that the pictures caused me to come absolutely undone.  In the actual moments that we have walked those halls, sat in those waiting room chairs and stood in line in the cafeteria I have rarely come undone like that.

It is always the days following a trip to hospital that I feel all the feelings.  While in the trial, I feel a supernatural strength that I know is Jesus literally holding me up, helping me hold my emotions together and be strong.  So why did the pictures cause so much emotion?  The fear that struck my heart when I saw those walls sparked a dread in me because I don’t want to see them in person for a very long time.  It led me down a path full of fear, a path where all the what if’s clouded my thinking. It struck my how odd it is that I felt MORE fear looking at pictures than when my feet were walking those tiled floors.

I process pretty much EVERYTHING through music.  You can tell where my heart is by the song on repeat in my playlist.  When I listened to the song Another in the Fire by Hillsong UNITED (I will put a link here so you can give it a listen), suddenly it all became clear.  There was Another in the Fire each and every time I walked those halls, there was Another in the Fire every time we waited in those chairs.

This is how the song starts:

There’s a grace when the heart is under fire,

Another way when the walls are closing in,

and when I look at the space between

where I used to be and this reckoning,

I know I will never be alone.

It became clear to me that the difference, the reason the pictures inflicted such emotional distress far beyond the actual visits was because God was THERE with us in those moments.  Suddenly the dread was gone, the fear was gone.  I didn’t have to worry about the next time we would walk those halls, and there is a strong likelihood that there will be a next time, because I know we will NOT walk them alone.

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

I read in a blog a couple of years ago that God doesn’t show up for the dress rehearsal, he shows up for the actual event.  As I was looking at the pictures, the images going through my mind where nothing but distant memories and dress rehearsals.  When the actual event comes, Jesus will be there.

I am not sure the sadness and grief  I felt will be as easy to dispel.  My heart is very sad and heavy for the pain and experiences housed within the walls of that hospital.  I wish I could rewrite the last several years and delete this part from our story because I hate it, I hate the pain, I hate the memory.  BUT, I LOVE the Jesus that walked us through it.  I LOVE the kindness, the mercy and grace he poured in to each and every moment.   The closeness I have felt with Jesus through these trials makes the tears threaten to fall once again.  There is nothing, I mean NOTHING like Jesus.

Another in the Fire is such an amazing song of hope.  I love that it starts as a past tense “There WAS another in the fire”, goes to present tense, “There IS another in the fire,” and finishes looking towards the future, “There’ll BE another in the fire.”

We will probably walk those halls again, feet shuffling on those purple tiles.  But, instead of dread I can have confidence.  Confidence that as the temperature starts to rise and we are thrown into the fires of life, we will not be alone.

I absolutely love how the song ends:

I’ll count the joy in every battle

Cause I know that’s where You’ll be

Are your feet being held to the fire right now? You are NOT alone. If you need a little hope today, please listen to this song and hear the truth in the lyrics.  I pray you will be able to feel Jesus beside you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iP5dypW2AvM

 

 

 

Last night, Minnesota got an earth drenching thunderstorm.  The winds were gusting, bending the trees and carrying debris across the yard.  It was both awe inspiring and a little unnerving.  The storm hit in the middle of the night so the darkness made it hard to know when the storm would pass and the winds would die down.

When the storms of life come, it can leave us feeling like we are in the dark.  The cloud covering, so thick and ominous, can make the day feel like night.  They might even be so severe our power goes out and leaves us in utter darkness.

There have been many times in the last three years that I have felt like a storm system had permanently taken up residence over us.  There were whole weeks where it felt like the darkness/storm would never break.  Maybe you can relate?  In those moments, I would look to God and ask, “Where are you?” “Can you see what is happening down here?” “How long is this going to last?”  It was so easy to get discouraged and give into fear.

A few months ago when we had a particularly strong storm battering us, this verse came up in my daily reading.

Psalm 119:105 “Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light for my path.”

It made me stop and wonder, why a lamp?  With all possible forms of illumination is a lamp really the best source of light?  God is all powerful, there must be other, more powerful, ways to light a path right?

I am completely type A, a solid one on the Enneagram.  I like to have back up plans for my back up plans.  Keeping someone like me in the dark could possibly be the MOST uncomfortable feeling.  I need to see where I am going and know how I am going to get there.  I want to be able to anticipate and maneuver around any obstacles that might be in the way.  A lamp would not be my first choice for lighting.  A flood light would be more ideal.

Now, I understand that flood lights were not even an option when the Psalms were written somewhere between 1440 and 538 BC.  Cultural relevance aside, I am not sure that the source of illumination would have changed if other more powerful forms had been available.

Lamps can hold some beautiful symbolism.

A lamp is usually held close to the body.  Staying close to Jesus is the ONLY thing that has gotten me through the last few years.  He doesn’t want to be some distant thing in our lives.  “He is close to the broken hearted and saves those crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

A lamp needs fuel to give off light.  If we want to use a lamp to light our path, we need some source of fuel.  It will require us to be intentional.  I start every day with prayer, I blast worship music each morning as I am taking a shower and getting ready (it is like my daily pep talk to get me ready to face the day), I have a daily bible reading plan that leads me through the bible in a year, I participate in women’s bible studies and accountability groups and attend a small group with my husband and a solid group of friends.  Jesus is LITERALLY the fuel that keeps me going.  I also find that the more fuel I feed myself the easier it gets to see the path in front of me.  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight. ” Proverbs 3:5-6.   For me, sitting in church for an hour once a week would leave me dangerously low on the fuel I need to navigate the storms I might be facing.

Lastly, and most importantly for me, A lamp only lets you see what is directly in front of you.  God, in his infinite mercy, only allowed me to see far enough to take each next step.  If I had been able to see three years ago what my path would have looked like, all the obstacles I would be facing……friends, I would have said forget it, gone back to bed and pulled the covers over my head and never gotten up!  It would have been too overwhelming and left me so covered in fear.  Is it possible that God leaves us in the dark to protect us from seeing things he knows we are not yet ready for?  I absolutely think this could be true in my life.

I am learning to be ok with the darkness.  Keeping the lamp close to me, fueling it regularly, and being mindful that the God I choose to allow to lead me has nothing but the best for me gives me the confidence I need to take the next step.  I am learning to depend on God and not on myself.

Are you in the middle of a storm that has left you in the dark?  You are NOT alone. Jesus is there walking beside you.  Be intentional about the fuel you are using to light the way.  Follow Jesus, one foot in front of the other, until he leads you back into the SON.  His mercy can even be found in the darkness.

 

I am a big fan of Gilmore Girls.  In the show, on the anniversary of Luke’s father’s death he has what the town calls his “Dark Day”.  He goes away to be alone, to sit in silence and remember his father.

Today, we are observing the “Darkest Day” the world has ever known.  I was raised in the church, we regularly went to Good Friday services.  When you do something so many times it can begin to lose its significance.  I did not realize that this had happened to me until I was struck with the reverent heaviness of this day one Good Friday.

About five years ago, my husband and I went to a church that was not our regular church home.  He knew the pastor and wanted to experience their Tenebrae service.

If you have never been to a Tenebrae service, I would recommend you find one in your area.  Tenebrae is the latin word for “darkness”.  The service is characterized by the  gradual extinguishing of candles and by “strepitus” or “loud noise.”  When we walked in we noticed that the windows had been covered and the room was lit by mostly candles and one light shining over the cross at the front of the sanctuary.  The service walks you through the last days/hours of Jesus’ time here on earth.  As each scripture is read, a candle is extinguished.  The room grew darker and darker as the story marched toward the moment to which all of history had been building.

Loud banging that came from somewhere in the back signifying the nails being pounded through the hands of Jesus brought tears to my eyes.  The pounding seemed to reverberate in my soul.  The room had grown much darker by this point in the service.  Grief was heavy in the air.  We knew how this story ends.

Finally, “It was now about noon, and darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon, for the sun stopped shining.  And the curtain of the temple was torn in two.  Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Father into your hands I commit my spirit.” When he had said this, he breathed his last.”  – Luke 23:44-46

At that moment the last light, the light that shone above the cross, went dark.  We were left sitting in utter darkness…….complete silence.  The air felt cold and heavy.  As I sat there, I wept.  THIS, this is what a world without HOPE feels like.  The literal “Light of the World” had been extinguished.  There are actually no words that could describe the emptiness my soul felt in that moment.  Never before had I felt the weight of Good Friday in this way.

We all walked out of the church somber and quiet.  What do you even say after something like that?  We were supposed to go home and make dinner for our family but seriously?  The Lord was just crucified!

I cannot imagine what it must have been like those hours/days after Jesus was crucified.  The grief his disciples, his friends, his MOTHER must have felt.  I am glad I was not there.  Thankfully, we know what they didn’t…….Sunday was coming…….

Like Luke in Gilmore Girls, we all have our “dark days”.  The last couple of years have held extremely dark days for us.  You have probably had your own dark days.  The loss of a loved one…..a diagnosis you prayed you would never hear said about you……watching your parents age and their health deteriorate……your marriage might be on its last leg…..maybe you don’t know how you are going to pay all of your bills this month.  Friends, the world is full of hard things, things that take your breath away, things that leave you crying into your pillow when you think you are alone.  BUT……Sunday is coming….

“On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb.  They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when the entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus.  While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightening stood beside them.  In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead?  he is not here; he is risen!” Luke 24:1-6

Jesus did not leave us in darkness!  We do indeed know how this story ends, Jesus rose from the dead, defeating darkness once and for all.

Even in the most trying of times over the last few years I have never, not even once, felt that emptiness I felt sitting on that hard church pew in the dark.  Jesus did not stay dead.  We have a living HOPE. Friends the world will never again feel the weight of that “darkest” day so many, many years ago.  Nothing you will experience can change how this story ends.  I promise you, if you are in a dark place……Sunday is coming.

I pray that if you, like I had, have maybe lost the significance of this day that you would let yourself feel the darkness.  Today, I am going to take Luke’s lead.  I am going to sit quietly in reverent awe and remember what my heavenly father did for me….for you…on the cross so many years ago.  Don’t let knowing the end of the story stop you from feeling the significance of His sacrifice.  Please….feel the darkness……. but know……Sunday is coming!

 

We have homeschooled our children for the last 5 years.  It was not something I ever really saw myself doing, but I can say that is has been (for the most part) a wonderful experience.  As a homeschool mom, I have learned to immediately recognize when subjects and verbs do not agree, when someone uses “good” where “well” should have been, and I have a new found love for Algebra….yes, you read that right!  I love solving equations and making both sides be equal.  I, on more than one occasion, have sat down and done their homework right along with them because it stimulates my mind.  One part of Algebra that I don’t really like is solving inequalities (greater than, less than or equal to).  I like all things to be in balance.

Recently I have felt an inequality in my own life.  What started as a little uneasy feeling has turned into something that is quite hard to ignore.  I have always had reservations when it came to my daughter’s social media accounts.  I had a really hard time placing why I felt this way.  Confession time, she has over 60,000 followers on YouTube and I am not one of them.  For a long time I told myself that it was just too hard to watch the videos, they were like a high light reel of some of the hardest, lowest points in our lives.  I had already lived through it and I didn’t care to watch the reruns.

Continue reading “Inequality” →

About a week ago, I felt as if I might drown in the pity party that I had been throwing myself. I was knee deep in party favors, if you could consider them that. Piles of laundry, medicine syringes, beeping medical equipment, dogs with ear infections, snow storms……the list goes on and on. I was tired……beyond tired. I felt as if I had been wandering in this wilderness forever and I was running dangerously low on hope.

Continue reading “When Hope Hides” →