As I was scrolling Facebook this week, I had an experience I’ve never had before.  I was looking at pictures a friend had posted, this friend also has a child who spends a considerable amount of time at Children’s Hospital.  In these pictures my attention was drawn beyond my friend and her gorgeous baby to the tile in the hallway, the patches of purple tile against the welcoming walls of the Children’s Hospital same day surgery wing.   It is hard to describe the visceral reaction in my soul caused by these images.  It was like being pounded by waves of deep grief and anxiety .  I KNOW those tiles, I KNOW those walls.  They have housed some of longest, loneliest, most terrifying days for us.  Even now thinking of it the tears threaten to fall.

I have joked that I have PTSD from all the emergencies, procedures and hospitalizations we have dealt with in the last several years, but sadly there is some truth to that statement.  We have felt like prisoners of those walls so many times.  The strangest part though was that the pictures caused me to come absolutely undone.  In the actual moments that we have walked those halls, sat in those waiting room chairs and stood in line in the cafeteria I have rarely come undone like that.

It is always the days following a trip to hospital that I feel all the feelings.  While in the trial, I feel a supernatural strength that I know is Jesus literally holding me up, helping me hold my emotions together and be strong.  So why did the pictures cause so much emotion?  The fear that struck my heart when I saw those walls sparked a dread in me because I don’t want to see them in person for a very long time.  It led me down a path full of fear, a path where all the what if’s clouded my thinking. It struck my how odd it is that I felt MORE fear looking at pictures than when my feet were walking those tiled floors.

I process pretty much EVERYTHING through music.  You can tell where my heart is by the song on repeat in my playlist.  When I listened to the song Another in the Fire by Hillsong UNITED (I will put a link here so you can give it a listen), suddenly it all became clear.  There was Another in the Fire each and every time I walked those halls, there was Another in the Fire every time we waited in those chairs.

This is how the song starts:

There’s a grace when the heart is under fire,

Another way when the walls are closing in,

and when I look at the space between

where I used to be and this reckoning,

I know I will never be alone.

It became clear to me that the difference, the reason the pictures inflicted such emotional distress far beyond the actual visits was because God was THERE with us in those moments.  Suddenly the dread was gone, the fear was gone.  I didn’t have to worry about the next time we would walk those halls, and there is a strong likelihood that there will be a next time, because I know we will NOT walk them alone.

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

I read in a blog a couple of years ago that God doesn’t show up for the dress rehearsal, he shows up for the actual event.  As I was looking at the pictures, the images going through my mind where nothing but distant memories and dress rehearsals.  When the actual event comes, Jesus will be there.

I am not sure the sadness and grief  I felt will be as easy to dispel.  My heart is very sad and heavy for the pain and experiences housed within the walls of that hospital.  I wish I could rewrite the last several years and delete this part from our story because I hate it, I hate the pain, I hate the memory.  BUT, I LOVE the Jesus that walked us through it.  I LOVE the kindness, the mercy and grace he poured in to each and every moment.   The closeness I have felt with Jesus through these trials makes the tears threaten to fall once again.  There is nothing, I mean NOTHING like Jesus.

Another in the Fire is such an amazing song of hope.  I love that it starts as a past tense “There WAS another in the fire”, goes to present tense, “There IS another in the fire,” and finishes looking towards the future, “There’ll BE another in the fire.”

We will probably walk those halls again, feet shuffling on those purple tiles.  But, instead of dread I can have confidence.  Confidence that as the temperature starts to rise and we are thrown into the fires of life, we will not be alone.

I absolutely love how the song ends:

I’ll count the joy in every battle

Cause I know that’s where You’ll be

Are your feet being held to the fire right now? You are NOT alone. If you need a little hope today, please listen to this song and hear the truth in the lyrics.  I pray you will be able to feel Jesus beside you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iP5dypW2AvM