Four years ago in March I got shingles.  My age made this a little surprising.  It came out of nowhere and knocked me off my feet.  If you have ever had shingles you know how very painful it can be.  The actual sores were not even the worst part, the nerve pain that came shortly after the sores felt like I was being zapped by a stun gun over and over.  For weeks the pain was at times unbearable.  My dear husband would just hold me while I slept because I would cry even in my sleep.

While it felt like a lot longer, that intense pain only lasted a few weeks.  The sores formed scabs and the pain decreased in intensity.  As the weeks went by I felt better and better.  That summer I would get reminders of the pain when the sun would touch my skin.  I would briefly feel like I was being burned by a cigarette where the sores had been.  Thankfully, by fall even those reminders were gone.  Now shingles are just something that happened to me and I have moved on.

A couple of years ago when our daughter’s health started to rapidly decline I felt that same knock me off my feet feeling.  While this was emotional pain versus the physical pain I experienced with shingles, this pain was so sharp and so real that it would take my breath away.  Waves of it would hit me when I would least expect it.  It was hard to go to church, go to the grocery store, or sit in bible study during prayer requests and not cry.  My heart was as raw as my skin had been.

Life for us stood still.  That is one strange thing about grief.  It is so consuming that it seems incomprehensible that the world around you keeps moving forward while you feel utterly stuck.  I remember the loneliness and sadness that was present with every breath I took for months.

Like with shingles, as time passed it seemed that my heart started to form a scab over the gaping hole.  We were adjusting to our circumstances and our new normal.  Each day we got up and walked with Jesus through every hard thing we had to do.  And do you know what, it felt less hard.  We found purpose in our pain and that carried us through.

Every so often though, out of no where, the scabs on my heart felt like my skin when the sun would shine on it that first summer after shingles.  It was strange the things that would trigger this reaction.  It could be a running into someone at Target, an Instagram photo of one of her friends, or simply sitting down to dinner and seeing her chair empty because she could no longer eat any solid food anymore.  That searing pain came roaring back to life.

Healing is a process.  You can’t predict how long it will take or what exactly it will look like, but eventually healing does happen.  One day I sat in the sun and my skin no longer burned.  I looked up at the sun and smiled.  I could still remember what it felt like but the pain was no longer present.  This week I experienced another moment like that.  Michelle, Katie and I were getting ready to go to the season opener for our school’s show choir season.  Usually this would have been something that would have tugged at the scab on my heart.  This year I was able to sit and watch with a joyful heart.  Yes, I could remember the pain of saying goodbye to this part of our world, it was one of the hardest things to leave behind.  The pain however had been replaced by peace.  I looked up to the SON and smiled.  Thank you Jesus, thank you for healing.  Thank you for leading me back to joy again.

If your heart is raw, if you feel like your world is standing still while every one else around you is moving on, take a breath….Hold on…..Healing will happen.  One day you will walk into a situation that would have tugged at your scab and it won’t.  You will find with joy that your heart feels whole.  I hope you will look up, smile and thank Jesus too.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

 

Saturday night as I was scrolling through Facebook, tears were silently slipping off of my chin and onto my phone. I was having one of those rare moments when our situation felt incredibly unfair. My Facebook feed was full of pictures of high school students getting ready for their winter formal. A picture of some of my daughter’s friends from the high school posing for a picture in front of the Christmas tree had me mentally trying to picture where she would have been, should have been, smiling with her friends. So many things have been stolen from her and the air was suddenly stolen from my lungs.

 
I know I am not the only one whose heart can feel heavy and weary during what is supposed to be the happiest season of all. I have friends who will be celebrating their first Christmas without a loved one. Tomorrow, a very special friend will be celebrating her son’s birthday, only this year he will be celebrating it in Heaven. No……. my heart is not the only one that feels broken. In fact, when I allow myself to think of all the suffering there is just among other people that I love I feel blessed. My daughter may not have been in that picture but she is still in the room down the hall. Lord, help me to always see the blessings, even in the times when my heart is feeling the injustice of our situation.

 
Even without a sorrowful spirit, Christmas time is stressful. Checking accounts trying to keep up with lists for Santa can leave many people feeling less than jolly. Materialism is at its finest this time of year and my friends it is not a pretty picture. There are so many reasons to feel stressed this time of year; Christmas programs, holiday parties at work, trying to get the perfect picture for your family Christmas card (sorry, spoiler alert-there will be no Sorensen Christmas card this year haha!) and fighting crowds at the airport to get back to holiday dinners where you may or may not fight about politics while eating Christmas ham. Christmas is just not all mistletoe and Secret Santa. But that’s ok. Because guess what, that is not even what this season is about.

 
With all the chaos surrounding the holidays it can be really easy to forget why this really is the happiest season of all! But it all started with another mom with what I am sure was a very heavy heart of her own.

 
In Luke chapter 2 it tells us that Mary and Joseph were traveling to Bethlehem for the census when the time came for Jesus to be born. There was no room for them in the inn and they were forced to deliver what was to be the savior of the world in a stable. Into that dark night HOPE was literally born. Can you imagine that moment? Can you imagine the holy gasp that heaven must have made the moment that Jesus filled his lungs with his first breath here on earth?

 
Luke 2:8 “And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

 
The shepherds went and found Mary, Joseph and Jesus just as the angel had told them. Verse 17 continues, “When they had seen him they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”

 
But Mary treasured and pondered these things in her heart……I can imagine that her heart too might have felt a bit heavy at that moment. What a holy privilege to be witness to HOPE literally being born.

 
So why is this the happiest season of all? Because Christmas is all about the birth of Jesus, literally the birth of HOPE! Saturday was a dark night for me. I have friends who are experiencing dark nights. But night will never be as dark now that hope has been born. If hope was born in darkness then I believe that we are in the perfect place to receive these words. “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you: he is the Messiah, the Lord.”

 
As I listen to this song, my very favorite Christmas song, I am overcome with joy at the greatest gift ever given and once again the air is stolen from my lungs.

 

Lessons learned while waiting….

 

I do not think there has ever been a time in history when the world has struggled with patience more than it does right now.  With information at our fingertips, Amazon shopping on our phones and read receipts on text messages, we have grown accustomed to instant gratification.  We see no value in waiting for anything.  I am certainly no exception.  I have been not so patiently waiting for the results of Michelle’s testing last week since the minute she was discharged from the hospital.

 

It seems like everyone I know is waiting for something.  Whether it is related to finances, relationships, work situations or illness, deep down I believe that everyone has something they have been praying for and waiting to see movement in in their lives.  While we may not see the value or purpose in waiting, I believe that God does.  I sometimes think that God does some of his very best work in us while we are in a season of waiting. 

 

Waiting is a VERY common thread woven throughout both the old and new testaments.  Some people in the bible eventually got what they were waiting for, but some never saw with their own eyes the fulfillment of the things that God had promised them.  That does not seem very encouraging to an instant gratification generation!  Regardless of the outcome though, the common theme was the waiting.  Is it possible that the real prize is the lessons we learn while waiting? Here are some of the lessons I have learned in this season of waiting.

 

1.       Know that God hears you even when his answer has been not yet or even no.

 

Micah 7:7 “But as for me, I watch in HOPE for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.”

 

We do not see the big picture that God does.  Only he knows the plans that he has for you.  Even when his will does not line up with your wants, he always hears you.  He listens and he cares for you.  He just does it with your very best interest over all, not just for right now.

 

 

 

2.     Know that God is good, even in the waiting.

 

Lamentations 3:25 “The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him.”

 

Even when your circumstances do not feel good, God is still good.  God’s character is never defined by your circumstances.  He does not change. 

 

3.     Know that you can have peace and joy even while waiting.

 

 

 

Nehemiah 8:10 “ Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

 

 

 

Like God’s character, your joy doesn’t have to be defined by your circumstances.  The last couple of years have been some of the hardest I have ever walked,  AND they have been the most joy filled at the same time.  When I changed my focus from my circumstances to the God that has already done everything I ever needed, I found peace and joy.  That joy really does provide all the strength that I need to get through each day.

 

 

 

4.     The most precious lesson I have learned though is that my increased awareness of the presence of God in my life has been worth every second I have been and will be waiting.

 

 

 

A relationship with God is far better than whatever you are waiting for.  At one point while Moses was in the desert God said that he would not go on with them.  Moses said in Exodus 33:15 “If your presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here.”  This is exactly how I feel.  Lord, if you do come with the answers that I have been praying for then you can keep them!  I choose you. 

 

I believe that HOW you wait is at least as important as the waiting itself.  Our focus can be on our situation or it can be on the One who controls the entire universe.  I do not know what you are waiting for at this moment, what you have been praying for God to do in your life.  Personally, I have been praying for a miracle for my daughter.  Our pastor has been preaching on miracles and he says, “Your miracle may still be in process.”  I choose to believe that.  Her miracle may still be coming but until it does I will be waiting with expectant joy……..AND clicking refresh on the Mayo patient portal because surely those results have to be there soon 😊

 

Lately, I have really felt a kinship with the Israelites in Exodus marching across the desert.  I, in certain moments, can sympathize with their plight, feeling as if they were wandering in circles never really making any progress.  Life was difficult for them, to say the least.  They were hungry and thirsty.  They began to doubt their leader and question if he really knew what he was doing when he led them out of Egypt.  They were quick to forget the miraculous signs and wonders they had seen in Egypt and at times even romanticized their time in captivity.  When we are in the middle of a desert it can be really hard to see the hand of God.

While it has not been nearly forty years, our family has been marching through a very difficult season, our own desert you might say.  At times, we feel like we take 2 steps forward just to take a GIANT step back (and we are lucky if it is only ONE step back.)  I am not going to lie, sometimes we get tired and thirsty and we can be tempted to doubt our leader.  It is those moments though that we are fortunate enough to have the ability to look back at the Israelites time in the desert and see the glorious provision and mercy God displayed to them time and time again.  Maybe you will find it to be encouraging as well.

First, the Israelites were in the desert because they had been delivered from captivity and they were marching towards their promise land.  Now, you may be scratching you head at this one and thinking to yourself that your present desert is in no way happening as a result of deliverance.  I know……. I feel this way too at times.  When the Israelites romanticized the foods that they were able to feast on in Egypt they longed to be back in the same captivity that they had previously cried out to God to deliver them from.  They could not comprehend the promise land that they were marching towards.  I look back to four years ago or even five before our journey ever commenced and ask what could we possibly have been delivered from?  We may never have the answer this side of heaven.  But I hold on to the promise that God works all things together for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28) so I know that his plan is perfect and we ARE marching towards something better.

Secondly, God provided manna (bread from heaven) every single day.  Each day they would wake up and there would be bread from heaven right outside their tent.  The Israelites would gather only what they needed for each day, they did not need to worry about tomorrow.  When we are in a desert it can be really really tempting to let the enormity of our situation weigh us down with fear about how we are ever going to survive.  Let’s not do that.  Let’s just worry about today.  What do you have to do today?  When I started looking at things from this prospective I instantly felt a confidence and freedom I had not experienced before.  Today I have to get up, go to physical therapy, run to the post office, make dinner and etc.  God gives us the strength to get through each day, we just have to step outside of our tent and collect the manna!

Third, though they wandered for forty long, tiring years their clothing and sandals never wore out. Deuteronomy 29:5 “Yet the Lord says, “During the forty years that I led you through the wilderness, your clothes did not wear out, nor did the sandals on your feet.”  God has a miraculous way of providing for our needs.  Looking back on some of the darkest and hardest times over the last couple of years he consistently met our needs.  He provided prayer warriors to walk beside us, meals when we were too overwhelmed to cook, and we never ever wore out.  We were tired but we NEVER wore out.

Lastly, and most importantly, the Israelites NEVER walked alone! And neither do you!  Exodus 13:21-22 “By day the Lord went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night.”  Friends, the desert would be unbearable without the presence of our God.  If there is anything I would not survive the desert without it would be this.  If you are walking this desert alone, I encourage you to seek Jesus!!!  There is no night too dark to see that fiery pillar!

Hindsight is always 20/20.  We have the what the Israelites did not have when they were marching, a record of their deliverance.  Friends, God is the same God today that he was then.  We are God’s chosen people and he is every bit as active in your desert as he was in theirs.  I am not saying that it is going to be easy, it is definitely NOT easy!  But I would encourage you to keep marching.  Step outside your tent, gather the manna, follow the pillar of fire even in the darkest of nights and keep marching.  Your promise land is waiting and it will be so much better than whatever you are in need of deliverance from.

As I was walking through the grocery store this week I felt raw.  I was doing the things I normally do.  I was upright and walking and functioning……on the outside.   I was worried, could people tell by just looking at me that I was feeling so broken inside?  Then I looked at the woman standing behind me.  I thought to myself “Is she broken too?”  I looked around and wondered how many other people meandering through the store were finding it hard to even breathe at that exact moment.  I stood there searching every face.  If there were any other broken people there, their faces did not give them away so I was hopeful mine didn’t either.

You see this has been one of those weeks, a week that my soul has been so heavy that it, at times, felt hard to even take a breath.  Have you ever had one of those days, weeks or maybe even months?  Times when you wonder if God is even hearing your desperate prayers or if, for some reason, his answer is just no?  These are my least favorite moments.

For reasons I cannot understand, God is often silent at times when we need to hear him the most.  No one could describe the longing to hear God and feel his presence better than King David:

“My God, My God, why have you abandoned me?

Why are you so far from my deliverance and from my words of groaning?

My God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, by night, yet I have no rest.”

-Psalm 22:1-3

Did you know that God created a language uniquely made to wring out the burdens of our heart at his feet?  It is called Lamenting.  I had heard the word lament over and over in the bible but until last summer I had no idea what a powerful and intimate language this can be.  I read a book called No More Faking Fine by Esther Fleece.  This book gave me permission for the very first time to cry out to God from the depths of my soul.  For years I, in my flawed theology, was afraid to complain to God because I didn’t want to seem like the Israelites whining their way through the desert.  That never really worked in their favor, and I didn’t want to realize their same fate.  This book helped me see how wrong my thinking was.  God wants us to come to him in our sadness.  He remembers our sins no more, our good works are like filthy rags so he would not keep track of those.  But our tears, those he counts.

“You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8

Friends, God has a book for your tears!  He has a place specifically for you to bring the brokenness in your heart.  You do not have to carry your brokenness alone.  When your heart is heavy you can go lay at the feet of Jesus and speak the beautiful language of lament.  With each sentence (or groan) I think you might feel that it gets easier to breathe.

Even during this dark week, I know that Jesus has been here.  He has not abandoned us, that is not who he is.  He showed up in late night visits from our pastor, in a friend who drove an hour just to come give me a hug, in phone calls from a friend many states away crying quietly on the phone with me, and even in free coffee (thank you Starbucks rewards program) when I needed caffeine to get me through the day.  The hope I have in Jesus is the light I keep walking towards when the darkness wants to surround me.

King David was extremely fluent in lamenting but he was also fluent in hope! Just 5 chapters after crying out begging for God to hear him, he wrote this:

“I am certain that I will see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong, and let your heart be courageous.  Wait for the Lord.”

-Psalm 27:13-14

People you may pass in the store may not be able to see the brokenness your soul is weighed down with today, but there is one man who does.  Jesus sees the hurt in your heart.  The good news is that he is already waiting, with a jar, ready for you to become fluent in the language of lament.

Oceans…I am sure you have heard this very popular Christian song, but have you ever really listened to the words?  As you are standing in your church service, maybe even with your arms raised praising God, have you ever really LISTENED to the words……let them sink deep into your soul and acknowledge what you are asking???

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

Have you ever wondered what a reality where you are deeper than your feet could ever wander would look like?

For the past two years I feel as if I have been in deeper than my feet could ever wander.  When the battles are raging on all fronts and I feel defeated, I actually get scared to sing this song! Honestly, this season of life is uncomfortable.  I tend to camp in the line “My feet may fail when fear surrounds me,” all too often.  Those are the moments that it is hardest for me to trust.  Trusting without borders is not for the faint of heart.  Trusting is hard.

The song goes on…

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves

Keep my eyes above the waves…….This is the hardest part for me.  It is sometimes hard to look up and past what is right in front of me.  As I was sitting today watching the bag full of red solution being pumped into my daughters veins….. I was looking down.  As little children walked past our door with their chubby faces and slick bald heads to get more chemotherapy pumped into their veins….. I was looking down.  As pumps alert from Michelle’s room day and night my focus is dragged down to the reality of our situation.  When we are rushing to the ER, when we are bone tired and dealing with work, children, dishes….you fill in the blank…..it is hard to look above the waves!

The disciple Peter had real life experience with keeping his eyes above the waves.  In Matthew chapter 14 the disciples were in a boat when they saw Jesus come walking towards them on the water.  At first the disciples were frightened.

Matthew 14:27 But Jesus immediately said to them, “Take courage!  It is I. Don’t be afraid”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.  Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out. “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.  “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

It is some consolation to me to know that I am not the only one that looks down and starts to sink into the direness of my situation when the winds start to howl around me.  Peter did and he had Jesus a mere feet in front of him.

Having our focus be down among the waves of our current circumstances is a recipe for drowning.  It will lead to despondence and despair.  We may not see Jesus right in front of us like Peter did, but he is there!  He is waiting for you to reach out and put your faith in him.

We are in a storm.  YOU may be in a storm.  While we cannot change the wind and waves that may be crashing into us at any given time, we can ask Jesus to call us to him.  We can step out of the boat, keep our focus above the waves and in faith walk with Jesus until the waters calm down around us.

Back to the song…

And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I may not ever decide whether I love or hate this song.  However, there is no arguing that this current situation has made my faith stronger.  I have felt Jesus be so near during some of the darkest days that I feel like I could look up and see him actually standing there.  You are not alone.  I am sure that your waves look different than mine, we may not even be on the same ocean, but that is the beautiful thing about our God.  He can be every where at the same time.  Just look up!

Here is a song I like a lot better when I am being battered by the waves.  Give it a listen, maybe it will bless you too!

 

In the last two weeks we have added another “ologist” to our team, a hematologist.  Hematologists are specialists in dealing with everything related to blood.  Our medical vocabulary has grown once again, this time to incorporate words like Hematocrit, Ferritin, and Venofer.  It turns out that blood is even more complicated than I had ever imagined.  If something is missing or deficient in your blood it can cause all kinds of problems.

Michelle has been diagnosed with severe anemia, a lack of iron in her blood.  Her face and lips have been the same shade of ghostly pale for a couple of weeks, like the life has been drained out of her.  Blood has a very important function.  It supplies oxygen to cells and tissues, provides essential nutrients to cells, removes waste materials, and protects the body from infection and foreign bodies through the white blood cells (thank you Google for getting me up to speed!) Blood is life giving, without it we would be in serious trouble.

To rectify Michelle’s current situation, the doctors are going to give her an infusion of a medication that contains iron directly into her blood stream.  We are very excited for this treatment because it gives us hope that Michelle will regain the energy to keep fighting, that life would start to return to her body and some color would return to her beautiful face.

Blood gives hope and life……

There are some other words in my vocabulary that come to mind when I think of blood, words like redemption, forgiveness and atonement.  The bible is full of scriptures that pertain to blood.  In the Old Testament God gave Moses a prescription (not unlike Michelle’s prescription for her lack of iron) to rectify our lack of unity with God.  Sin separates us from God and blood is the only remedy.  The shedding of blood was symbolic and the Israelites had to do it over and over to atone for their sins.  The Israelites were also instructed not to eat the blood of animals.  Leviticus 17:11 “For the life of a creature is in the blood, and I have given it to you to make atonement for yourselves on the altar; it is the blood that makes atonement for one’s life.”  It seems to me that blood has had a critical role since the beginning of time!

The New Testament perfected this prescription once and for all.  This prescription holds far more hope and life than any iron infusion ever could!  Jesus came to this world to be the ultimate offering, the last shedding of blood that would ever be needed, which is good because anyone who watches the news could presume that there is not enough blood in the world to atone for the evil happening every day. Hebrews 9:12 “He (Jesus) did not enter by means of the blood of goats and calves; but he entered the Most Holy Place once for all by his own blood, thus obtaining eternal redemption.”  Eternal Redemption, all through the shedding of blood.

The hope of eternity is found in Jesus’ blood.  We are no longer separated from God because of our sin.  Just like our blood removes the waste materials from our bodies, the blood of Jesus cleanses us of the sin in our lives.  Our blood carries oxygen and to our cells and tissues to keep us alive and Jesus’ blood ensures that we will have eternal life!  The very words of Jesus found in the bible feed our souls the same way our blood provides nutrients to our bodies.  The parallels are endless.

Are you, like Michelle, in need of an infusion today?  Do you need hope? Has life left you feeling weak and pale?  I would like to suggest that Jesus may just be the prescription you need.  After all, it sounds like he may have been the very first hematologist!

Writing has always been a passion for me, I love words in general.  I have felt for a long time that I have a story to share, I just didn’t know where.  I am not one who likes to complain or force my emotions on unsuspecting friends mindlessly scrolling through Facebook.  There is a high probability that if you passed me on the street and asked how I was doing (this could be the worlds MOST loaded question) I would smile and tell you I was doing great.  Where really is the right place to bear one’s burdened heart if not at the grocery store or Facebook?  Well I am hoping it will be here.  I am also hoping that others with a burdened heart will join me here to be encouraged.  That this would be a place that others whose hearts have an ache so deep that there are no words that could even articulate it could come and find understanding and maybe community.

The road our family has been walking for the last several years has been one I would not choose for anyone.  Watching someone you love in pain is hard.  There are not many people that I interact with on a daily basis who truly understand the exhaustion of daily walking with and caring for someone with a chronic illness.  For this I am profoundly grateful, but it makes the trek a lot more lonely and quiet for me.

A long time ago I felt that God was pressing on my heart that he is not glorified in the details.  For that reason, I will not often be sharing details about the ins and outs of our everyday struggle.  I will share the general circumstances around my daughter’s illness in a future post or place here in this blog.  However, her condition is not the real story.  The real story is the God who walks with us through every one of the struggles we have to face.  It is about the strength that shows up when ours is gone.  It is about the hands and feet he sends to care for us when we are really in a rough patch.  HE is the only story that is worth telling.

I truly believe that God never wastes pain.  I fought hard with God when life started spinning out of control,  when the four walls of a hospital room became as familiar as the walls of our home.  When I finally surrendered to God’s plans, I decided that if we had to walk this road that I wanted to do it to bring glory to God.  I wanted to use our experience to help others.  That is my prayer, God don’t waste this pain.  So, if you are willing,  I welcome you to journey with us; to laugh with us, worship with us and even sometimes cry with us.