We have homeschooled our children for the last 5 years.  It was not something I ever really saw myself doing, but I can say that is has been (for the most part) a wonderful experience.  As a homeschool mom, I have learned to immediately recognize when subjects and verbs do not agree, when someone uses “good” where “well” should have been, and I have a new found love for Algebra….yes, you read that right!  I love solving equations and making both sides be equal.  I, on more than one occasion, have sat down and done their homework right along with them because it stimulates my mind.  One part of Algebra that I don’t really like is solving inequalities (greater than, less than or equal to).  I like all things to be in balance.

Recently I have felt an inequality in my own life.  What started as a little uneasy feeling has turned into something that is quite hard to ignore.  I have always had reservations when it came to my daughter’s social media accounts.  I had a really hard time placing why I felt this way.  Confession time, she has over 60,000 followers on YouTube and I am not one of them.  For a long time I told myself that it was just too hard to watch the videos, they were like a high light reel of some of the hardest, lowest points in our lives.  I had already lived through it and I didn’t care to watch the reruns.

First, let me say that I LOVE the fact that she is reaching other people who suffer like she does and shining hope into their dark days.  I am so very proud of her for that.  Just yesterday she got a message from someone in England who has EDS and they went to the emergency room and her nurse knew all about her condition because she follows Michelle on YouTube.  Some one across the globe received better care because Michelle was brave enough to pick up her camera and invite others along into the dark messy parts of her life.  That is honorable.

The truth about my uneasiness has nothing to do with what she is doing.  It is all about me and my pride.  I am the queen of “I am fine!”  How are things going?? “We are doing good, how are you?”  Now trust me, this is just as much for your benefit as it is for mine.  I mean does anyone REALLY want to know how things are going when they see me in line at Target? Well……the honest truth is maybe they do.  They might not need the whole story but they probably genuinely care about how I am.

This is where the inequality of the mask I wear proves me to be a fraud.  I saw someone I know from church at the store the other day and I assured them I was fine and we were all good.  Then I went home and watched Michelle’s Instagram story (as this woman may have too since she follows her) and the truth was right out there in the open.  WE ARE NOT FINE.  I do not like being vulnerable.  Instagram and YouTube share a part of my story that you would not know existed from exchanges you have with me in public.

So here it is…….I have been living with grief weighing down my heart for years.  Some days that grief is harder to haul around than others, but it is always there.  This grief has been so very isolating.  I have lived with a fear that it was too much for people to handle, that it would push people away if I talked about it.   I think I acquired the “I am FINE” mask because I had decided years ago that if I had to walk through this desert that I wanted to walk through it in a way that would bring God glory.  The awareness I have been hit over the head with though is that my mask has probably done the exact opposite.  Me walking around trying to prove how strong I am gives NO glory to God.  This is not the Jamie Show.  SO……in an attempt to follow my daughter’s example I am going to lay down the mask, the façade that I am “fine” all the time.   I am going to try to be more God honoring and when given the opportunity let his strength be shown and not my own.

Here are some truths I want you to know about me:

Our situation is hard and I HATE it!  There is no part of this that I am OK with, this is just NOT Ok.

I cry A LOT!

I am NOT strong enough!

This situation leaves me lonely, because it keeps me crazy busy but also because I have pushed people away so that I didn’t drag others down.

BUT…..and it is more important that you know this…..

I actually am FINE a lot of the time.  I have a joy that can only be found in Jesus.

We, as a family, laugh A LOT!!!!!

I really do not wallow.  I do everything I can to look beyond our situation and find joy.

and lastly……I DO NOT HAVE TO BE STRONG ENOUGH!!!!

This list may seem to contradict itself.  That is what is so hard and why I have struggled with this feeling of inequality in my life.  Our situation is hard, our burden is heavy and we have dark days.  To watch Michelle’s YouTube or Instagram story and then see my smiling face claiming all is good really is an inequality.  In my own power it would be.

My love for balance and equality is absolutely NOT biblical.  We as humans are incapable of being fine on our own.  Jesus came down to earth, God clothed in flesh, and died on the cross to bear the weight of our sin.  There is no possible equation that could make that balance.  He did what we could never do for ourselves.  My “I am fine” feels down right sinful in light of this.  The only reason I am fine, the only reason I can carry this weight is because I have a God holding me up.  I would surely topple over from the grief in my heart without his strength, his grace and his HOPE.

John the Baptist said in John 3:30 “He must become greater, I must become less.”  My desire is that when people hear our story they see more of God than they see of me or us.  That they would know that the only reason we are not only surviving but thriving is because we have a source of hope that will never disappoint. Romans 5:5.

2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.”

That is the greatest inequality in the world!